Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Maple Garland

Is that disappointing? Does it sound like it's going to be some delicious, syrupy something--and then it's just leaves on a string? I'm sorry!

Can I please have another maple garland? Oh unless it's just this hippy-dippy shit--and then forget it.
How I have become the kind of person with a banner for every season is totally beyond me. But I have. Maybe it was while I was avoiding figuring out how to replace the bag in our vacuum cleaner? Or maybe it was while I was drunk. Either way, what can you do.

I think there's actually something kind of wrong with the tree that's producing these insanely variegated leaves. (Just to dampen the mood a little.)
A leaf garland is a lovely study in impermanence: it will take you five minutes to make it, and then over the next couple of weeks, it will dry up entirely. And by the time you are no longer in love with it (this takes me a while, because I have a soft spot for decay), why, it's time to put up yoj + trofmoc

Perversely, my bobbin ran out of thread in the middle of the last leaf, which somehow snapped the top thread as well. And I said the f-word as a really long, quiet exhale, which made the children laugh. My next memoir is going to be called Fucking Leaf-Garland Piece of Shit. Oh, sorry! Someone recently complained about the cursing. Don't let the pigeon read the blog!
I am still following my friend Emily's basic garland method over on her lovely redbird craft blog. The only thing different about the leaves is that they're fragile. But if you tear one? It's just a leaf! You could of course sew these together with a needle and thread. Or with just your mind--in which case you wouldn't need any actual leaves, and you'd be spared the entire project! Plus, an imaginary garland is so versatile.

If this weren't the scene at my house, for the THIRD SCHOOL DAY IN A ROW, I'd write more! But I have to run and cram more Tylenol into her feverish little Birdy self. Poor Chicklet.

38 comments:

  1. First, I love the cursing. And the drinking references. Makes me feel like I'm normal (whether or not either of us is).

    Second, I LOVE when the maple leaves get just like this, and I find myself staring at them for long periods of time in my backyard. Now I can make something to stare at in the house so the neighbors don't think I'm nuts! I've always assumed that the colors have to do with the sun/rain/heat amounts rather than a disease. Maybe I'm naive.

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  2. Tabatha3:47 PM

    I don't drink or curse, but I enjoy visiting your blog. Our leaves haven't changed yet (and I'm just starting to learn to use a sewing machine)... I will keep this in mind for the future.

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  3. I'm going to make a garland with my mind, and I'm going to do it while drunk. It's going to be the best motherfucking garland ever.

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    Replies
    1. Where's the "like" button? Thank you for the belly laugh!

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    2. alison12:34 PM

      Nicole SOOOO FUNNY!

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  4. Anonymous4:07 PM

    I'm just wondering if it wouldn't be easier to just take a long piece of yarn and a fat needle and stab right on through all those leaves ala popcorn and cranberries for Christmas? I think this because I struggle with the tension on machine every time......
    and it drives me MAD!!!
    But! I like this idea, and I think my children would like it too.
    B

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    1. Anonymous7:40 AM

      I wonder if a small hole punch might be helpful (although the stabbing might be more enjoyable . . . )
      ~m

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  5. Anonymous4:22 PM

    Awww Birdy looks so cute, sorry she is actually sick, not resting peacefully, although not so sick to disturb the cat who is taking her 10% of the couch out of the middle so Birdy couldn't even stretch out.

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  6. Well, I live in Florida where the leaves don't change. I love your garland, though--so pretty. I have to buy the fake ones at the dollar store so I can at least pretend it looks like fall here.
    Hope Birdy feels all better soon.

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    1. Anonymous10:30 AM

      We have the same problem here in Louisiana.---no seasons so we just pretend. I put up my Fall decorations just after Labor Day even though it was about 95 degrees out. :)

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  7. If they take away our swearing and our wine, what are we left with?!

    And "Don't let the pigeon read the blog!" made my afternoon.

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  8. Anonymous6:14 PM

    I have imaginary garlands all over the house. They hang over the clean floors and non-peeling front door (wtf?). It all looks good in my head. Thank you for swearing in your blog.

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    1. Anonymous9:03 AM

      you really made me laugh, as that was exactly what I thinking after picturing a nice and fresh flower garland (¡spring is approaching here!) hanging over my dirty floor tiles (sometimes I worry that the state is going to come and take my children away! well maybe not...)

      xxx Adriana

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  9. Cursing - Fuck yeah! The thought of you deciding to be a "banner person" while drunk made me laugh out loud and read that part to my husband. And you calling Birdy "chicklet" warmed up my poor old heart because that's what my mom called my big sister and I.

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  10. Anonymous6:38 PM

    I trust no one that doesn't drink or curse. I'm keeping my eye on you, Tabitha...

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  11. All the maples in our area are still as green as they can be. Sadly. I did, however, make this exact (almost exact?) garland last year out of fake fall leaves. Not nearly as beautiful as REAL maple, but us Californians have to make do. If I waited for the maples to change, I'd be making my garland round-about the time I'm decorating for Christmas.

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  12. But the pigeon wants to read your blog! Just a little bit? With a cherry on top? You are HILARIOUS my internet friend, cursing or not. (But I like the curse words. They're like blog sprinkles.)

    I thought those were dollar store leaves at first. I don't know that I've ever seen leaves with all those colors in nature. I'll definitely be paying more attention as the weather cools here.

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  13. This blog and these comments made me laugh out loud, which is just what I needed after a really hard and emotional day. I love the cursing, the drinking, and the pigeon.

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  14. Love. It all. Except the part about Birdy being sick of course! Feel better.

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  15. Poor Birdy! We've already had the strep-throat with fever and the cold before and after the strep throat. Ahhhh, school days! Feel better soon!

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  16. We drive the carpool and volunteer at school, but behind closed doors we're vulgar drunks just trying to make it through the day. Thanks for being you, Catherine.

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    1. You got that right sister!

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    2. My gosh, exactly!

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    3. Michele10:39 AM

      Haha! Yes, this!

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  17. I'm down with the cursing, too. My eight-year-old used "bitching" correctly in a sentence the other day, and while I told her not to say it at school, I was secretly amused. I guess I would let the pigeon read the blog.

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  18. I really was sort of hoping that that this was a maple candy garland. You know, one that I could casually drape around my neck, and nibble at will. What can I say, I am pregnant with twins and I'm hungry. You should work on something like that though. Just for me.

    Poor little Birdy. I do hope she's feeling better.

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  19. Chris4:16 PM

    You need to read "It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers" on McSweeney.net. Hilarious. Oh, and please tell me there WILL be another memoir someday???

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    1. I think someone posted this link in a comment last year, and it is one of my favorite things ever. Shared it w/ a friend at work ("reap this freaky-assed harvest") and we quoted it all fall (quietly). She even brought me a dried gourd necklace.

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    2. That shit will be so seasonal.

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    3. Jennie11:03 AM

      I think it should be read aloud every Fall. Good call, Chris.

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  20. I always run across the street to my best friend's house to read your blog out loud to her...you really got us this time, Catherine! That was some real funny shit right there...plus it was extra hilarious because I have a secret memoir, titled, 'Stupid Motherfucking Piece of Shit Car', that I have been working on for some time now.
    Hope that sweet Birdy is on the mend. Your kids in their striped jammies, even all grown up, is still almost too much for my heart to handle

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  21. Jennie11:06 AM

    Oh, Catherine. You slay me in so many ways. I can always count on your entries for a pants-wetting laugh, or a Buddhist-like comment on the study of decay and change. It makes me feel part of a sisterhood, and I love you for it. And no, I'm not drunk. Yet.

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  22. Jennie11:09 AM

    P.S. I once had a teacher that kept a shed of animals she found in various states of decay, as a meditation on death and dying. Imagine the handyman's surprise when he went to find a tool in the wrong shed.

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  23. The image of you crafting while drunk warms the cockles of my heart. Thank you dear Catherine. Hope Birdy is back to her spririted self soon!


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  24. Those leaves are beautiful, and you are awesome! :)

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  25. God bless you for the cursing and drinking and the hippy dippy garland ... most especially for amusing the kids with the cursing. Love it. X

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  26. Lovely garland! Seeing it reminded me of a story that is absurd in a way you might appreciate. When my husband and I were first dating in Wisconsin, we were invited to a Halloween party. I decided to go as Autumn, so in early October, we went on a walk through the arboretum, and I gathered bagfuls of colorful leaves. I froze the leaves to retain their color, and on Halloween, I pinned them all to a sash and headed off to the party. We got drunk and eventually made out on the couch. When I left, I noticed all my leaves were gone. Turned out that the frozen leaves were so brittle that they crumbled all over the host's house almost immediately and got ground into the carpet by other guests all evening. The hosts (who had introduced me and my future husband) had to rent a carpet cleaner to get the leaf crumbs up. Ah, young love!

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  27. sufianarowa4:05 PM

    oh my goodness it's very beautiful man like it .......greater my uniform

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