Sunday, February 25, 2007

Glad to Be You

Of course you don't have two warts on your foot in the first place because lovely, kempt people don't have warts is what I'm thinking. You didn't need to Google image-search them and then spend a half an hour examining the divergence of your footprint in order to diagnose yourself with, well, warts. Of course even if you did have two warts on your foot and you bought the Dr. Scholl's Extra-Strength Medicated Wart Removing Pads, you would have understood within at least the first couple of days that something was wrong. You would have noticed the warts persevering unheeded instead of happily applying the sticky cushioning donuts to your sole day after day only to shake the box weeks later and say to your partner, "What's this?" Your partner would not have come over and taken the sheet of dots from your hand, would not have patted your head and said, "Um, honey? Those are the medicated disks." And you would not have groaned, with two wholly untreated warts on your foot and no more cushioning donuts, "Maybe that's why they weren't working."

Then you wouldn't have opened your bread box to find no fewer than 20 molding heels of bread because over time your family would have learned that, if nobody's going to eat them, you should toss them out to the birds instead of preserving them like a museum exhibit curated around the theme of your own ineptitude.

Nor would you have lain in your children's bed while said children piled eleven sticky little glow-in-the-dark bugs into your belly button, holding your tummy in two fists and shaking so that the bugs looked like they were erupting from a volcanic navel.

Because you have a little self respect, right? So you also would never engage in a conversation with your seven-year-old son about how much money someone would have to pay you to throw a poopy diaper in your face. You wouldn't say "It depends what kind of poop," because, of course, you wouldn't do it for any amount of money in the world. A poopy diaper in your face! Who would talk about such a thing with a child? Let alone entertain various sums! You would certainly never say, "A thousand bucks? Just a regular turd, but sealed up inside and the tabs stuck down and everything? Sure." And when your daughter finally chimed in, jumping up and down on the mattress with excitement and glee, "What about poop smeared right in your nostrils for fifty dollars?" you wouldn't need to draw the line there because you never would have had the chalk in your hand to begin with. Even if your daughter fell to the ground laughing and cried, "I would do it for free!"

This daughter, here.

58 comments:

  1. Tina G10:15 PM

    Silly Catherine using the "cushioning donuts"!!! Actually, I do things like that all the time, too.
    I loved the wondertime column, simply because at the current age of 3 yrs and 8 months- my child is having some days reminiscent of age 2 also...but with WAY more kvetching in longer sentences!!! UGH.
    Good luck ridding your feet of the warts, and go bake some fresh bread!

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  2. The sentence "Let alone entertain various sums!" is really making me laugh for some reason. It's just so, you know, INCREDULOUS.

    (Nobody? Nobody else thinks this is funny? Obviously I need a nap.)

    I'm also SO glad to know that your household has the molding-bread-heels problem, too. For some reason I thought it was just ours.

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  3. OMG, classic :) Such a perfect post to read during a commercial for the Oscars!!!

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  4. Oh, I wouldn't, would I? Hmmmmm.... I beg to differ! In fact, my six year old son, for some reason tonight started singing about runny poop IN AN ITALIAN ACCENT. Another, more motherly mother might have told him that poop talk isn't funny. But not me. Glad to know I'm not alone.

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  5. krista1:21 AM

    this would be the same daughter who gags at every smell?

    just checking.

    this whole thing would make a great youtube video, I'm sure.

    and do what I do... put those bread heals in the freezer for the day you go and feed the ducks. Whenever that might be...

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  6. I would do it for a hundred bucks if it was wrapped up and it was a regular turd. Runny turds, never. Regular turds wouldn't really hurt anything!! And a hundred bucks: yes. I in fact have no shame. lol.

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  7. You are my kind of mom.

    Also, I HAVE been hit with a rolled-up-and-sealed poopy diaper, though not in the face, and still have not seen ONE THIN DIME.

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  8. Ok, I have this really horrible bronchial thing left over from the worst cold in history, and when I read the last paragraph I was laughing so hard that of course I started coughing uncontrollably--but it was worth it! Thanks for bringing a smile to my face on a not-so-great Monday.

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  9. Fifty grand.
    Well, if I get my asking price.
    xo
    pk

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  10. Oh my gosh, I was all set to post about my two-year-old's new favorite song, "Poop is my favorite color," but then I read about getting HIT with a poopy diaper. Can't top that!

    Kristin

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  11. Anonymous8:56 AM

    Hilarious!

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  12. kekoasmom12:31 PM

    I have two warts on my foot, too! Plantar. I did use the medicated disks, but they tend to slide around anyway. I've also tried to freeze off stuff. It takes off some skin, but then the wart comes back. They say they will run there course in a couple of years. I'm waiting to see if this is true. And about the heels of bread--I once left a label from a can on the kitchen floor to see how long it would stay there before some one picked it up. I picked it up after 2 weeks. I'm sure it would be lying there still if I hadn't.

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  13. As always...the funniest thing i've read in a LONG time!

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  14. Anonymous1:15 PM

    Yes! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. Thanks Catherine!!

    ~Marcey

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  15. Anonymous1:43 PM

    You really are the funniest mom ever!

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  16. HA HA HA HA HA!!! :'-D Holy crap, that was hilarious. You are so funny!

    Warts - plantar? Had one. Boy do they suck! Sooo painful. I had to get it scooped out with the world's tiniest melon baller.

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  17. p.s. You should totally apply for Oprah's Funniest Mom contest!

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  18. Tommy's Mom4:22 PM

    Catherine- I laughed so much I was crying. Thank you for sharing and making me realize that there are other moms out there like me.

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  19. Whatever you do, Catherine, do not tell your children about the man who popularized the flush toilet in the 19th century, aka Mr. Thomas Crapper. I made the mistake of mentioning it to my potty-obsessed children, and now they see it as their right and duty to impart the information to anyone sitting still long enough to hear it.

    And I thought we were the only ones keeping a mold colony in our bread box. For those pesky bread heels - we not only fortify the local ducks with them, but I also grind some of them up in the food processessor to make breadcrumbs, which I use in various recipes that require them.

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  20. oheveteli5:39 PM

    I always love, love, love reading your acticles. They are fantastic, uplifting, and just all around wonderful. But you know what? I also love reading the comments. Catherine, you have the nicest readers! (Not, of course, that I need to tell you this.) They have such a nice way of both commiserating and offering helpful suggestions. With both the warts and the heels (of bread, that is) -and of course the poop- they laugh with you, but never at you. So many women complain that their fellow moms are competitive, but your readers show what a wonderful, supportive community we can be. Go us!

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  21. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  22. Had to remove my first post because I couldn't leave your for you're. One of my little pet peeves. Proofread! You say, but anyway...

    Oh - I've used the little at-home burn-it-off kits for the horrifying warts on my feet (two too). And after several very painful times, it worked! Yeah!!! So don't think you're the only one with things that "hygienic people" don't get. Me too.

    You made me laugh and laugh. Thanks! "I'd do it for free." Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha...

    4:11 PM

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  23. Catherine,

    What is it with poop? I really thought it was a boy thing and boy was I surprised when my girls started to find even the words funny. We actually had a rule for a while that was, if you not actually doing it you may not say it. Worked for a bit, then I gave in and for the most part it tapered off.

    Not that it can't still elicit a few laughs now and then.



    Thanks!

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  24. Catherine, Good for you! We also have quite the bathroom humor in my family, but it's so funny! We hope our girls know that it's just for in the house when it's just us, but we'll see......

    Thanks for sharing!
    Meg

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  25. Duct tape. Clinically proven most effective cure for warts. I kid you not.

    Am I the only one whose first thought was, "Well, whose poopy diaper?"

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  26. I first read Wondertime and am crying and crying, then I come over here to laugh my head off!! And I love it that both of them talk about poop!
    Maybe that's the key to the potty talk--you have to join in.

    My husband taught my son the "pull my finger" thing, and I have threatened said husband's life if the preschool teacher ever mentions it...

    Sorry about the warts - won't even tell you how bad it hurt to get one burned off at the doctor's office. Definitely try duct tape.

    But thank you for the juggling metaphor that we all live. I took your words to heart and snuggled with my 4 yr old while the baby was napping, rather than racing around like my usual proverbial chicken.

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  27. Oh Catherine!
    Between the "sleeping in the dumpster" coat (in a previous post), and the warts, and the poop obsession ... I'm thinking you've got my life on nanny cam!
    You are killing me! OMG! Thank you so much for taking this crazy stuff and turning it into laugh-till-you-cry wonderful! You rock!

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  28. Warts on your foot, you call that unkempt? Try having a giant wart which even the dermatologist can't budge on your RING FINGER the day your boyfriend PROPOSES! Mmm-hmm! Yeah. I would have taken a poopy diaper in the face to have gotten rid of that sucker, let me tell you.

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  29. I look forward to it all when my children are old enough to entertain bug volcanoes and poopy dares.

    but not the foot warts, because I've had them before and they're a pain.

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  30. For warts - try this, it works, or at least it worked on my sons. Each night place the peel of one banana,(trim to fit) soft side down onto said wart. (of course, this requires that someone eat a banana each night! added bonus) Cover with band aid. Each morning, wash and scrub warts and allow to air dry. Leave uncovered during the day. Repeat each night. Over time, the wart will turn black from the enzymatic action of the peel (this is my theory, anyway). The surrounding skin will not. The dried, blackened wart can eventually be peeled away and never return. It worked on my son's hand. Sounds weird, but hey, it's banana peel. What have you got to lose?

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  31. I too loved the juggling story - so much so that I thought you all might enjoy a friend's work (also a juggling mother) about HER friends juggling family and life:
    http://www.latimes.com/media/acrobat/2007-02/28122257.pdf

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  32. Oh no, i'd never do those things! Nor would I spend the morning giving my terribly constipated 2 year old an enema (Just some special medicine for your bottom, sweetheart!) and then holding her while she pooped shudderingly with her eyes rolling back into her head for about 15 minutes. It doesn't get much better than that!

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  33. Anonymous8:47 PM

    I have had many many descriptive poop as well as fart discussions with my children. Good to know we're not alone. Then again, haven't we all been crapped on by these children anyway?

    And the belly comment reminded me of when my almost 6 year old told me my bottom looked like a cartoon going up and down when I was on the treadmill. I admit it. I clenched a bit to perhaps lessen the up and down motion.

    Sigh.

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  34. Tell Birdy to come to my house tomorrow. In the last two days I have been hit in the face with Stevie's poopy diaper . . . twice.

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  35. Poop?
    Depends on whose poop it is!
    I can have this conversation too.
    In fact I think I have.
    Funny I JUST posted on my blog...."THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY."
    Tonight's newest entry.....
    "Please don't throw up on me while I'm eating dinner." As said to 4 year old that is retching on his chicken salad just to make a point.

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  36. I just read your most recent post at Wondertime and thought I'd comment here, since I haven't signed up there, because I am too lazy. The other day I walked into the room where my husband was and started a conversation and immediately he opened his laptop and began typing something. Obviously before I walked in, he had thought of something he needed to do, but when he completely misinterpreted what I said, I got hugely pissed off and said "I hate when you multi-task me!". And then, inside my head, I thought, "God, I wonder how the kids feel, since I do that to them all the time." Anyway, thanks for the reminder to be present with them, and leave the list making to other times.

    xoxo

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  37. You are hilarious, Cath. HILARIOUS!

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  38. To Jen--
    I THINK IT IS HILARIOUS. I love this column as I often find myself not only laughing out loud but being able to re-think the comments and laugh out loud again!!!
    I love that.
    I really love how you can laugh at yourself and let us laugh with you.
    I love how you write Catherine.
    Thank you--

    Any word from Wondertime on getting their sign in problem fixed???
    Thank you for a great laugh today.

    Tommie

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  39. Elaine6:31 PM

    "How revolting was that?" Hilarious!!

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  40. Great stuff, Catherine! Another use for those heals is croutons. Just cut them up, and toss them into a pan with hot oil, crushed garlic, and some seasonings (most times I just use pepper). Store them in an airtight container in the fridge -- if they make it that far. Yum!

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  41. Tracy5:08 PM

    My son is only a few days older than Birdy, but in our house it is most certainly the Age of Poop Fascination. We compromise - he can talk about poop all he wants (in all its disgusting permutations) when he's in the bathroom, or somewhere private like in the car with me. NOT in the checkout line at Target, for example. NOT at the table at Chili's, with the older couple looking daggers at you. As you know, rules are made because, well, stuff happens... ;-)... but I feel like I have to give him some kind of an outlet for the "poop talk" urge!

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  42. Oh gosh, the inappropriate conversations. And songs! Earlier tonight I was calmy getting ready to go out of the house to seventh-grade parent orientation as my five year old danced aroung the house singing "Catch a falling boooooger, put it in your shooooooger, save. it. for. a. coffee. break!"

    No, my favorite mom and writer, *WE* would never have a conversation about gross things! And at this very moment I do *NOT* have a wart on my thumb that will not go away because, since it isn't very big, I have just ignored for like, five years. Sigh. Three months to get caught up before the baby comes and I never catch up again!

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  43. You are hilarious, I just love your writing!

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  44. Marcie6:11 PM

    For the warts - DUCT TAPE! Seriously, it works like a charm. You have to leave the piece of tape on for about a week or more, then file it down with one of those foot filer thingies and voila, before you know it, they'll be gone.
    Worked for me and both my kids 3 and 6.

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  45. Oh yes I DID have warts on my feet. They threatened to take over the entire region of my right heel. And I'll tell you those Dr. Scholl's wart remover thingies were the *ONLY* thing that ever worked. Use them well, Catherine - dismiss the Dr.'s offer to "freeze them off"... less freezing, more hurting.
    Once you kill the mother wart (yeah, that's right, they multiply like rabbits!) they will ALL DIE!
    Good luck!

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  46. At the risk of sounding completely insane and actually a bit irresponsible all at the same time: Oh my God, CATHERINE! You're ALIVE!

    Yes, yes, I know that you know you are alive and apparently all of these other lovely people know this as well. When you left your last post on babycenter, I nearly cried. (Ok, so I did cry.) I went to amazon and read the excerpts of books you contributed to and mourned your loss to my husband. It was such a tragedy!

    And then! Here you are. And there at Wondertime. This called "hurting my own feelings" as you never left in the first place and I was too grieved/dumb/something to even try to google you. (Google, O god of internet tools.) (Which is how I found you, by the way.) (I am using way too many ()'s)

    Now, I am not trying to sound like some crazy stalker chick, but I just want you to know that I feel like so many times you are writing my life and that if we could sit down and have a cup of tea together someday, you would completely understand how I am feeling because it seems you often feel the same way. Thank you so much for being part of my life.

    Anyway, I vow to go and read everything I missed. Thank you for continuing to share your life and family and humor with us.

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  47. I know this is a little off the subject, ok a lot, but I FINALLY got and read Waiting for Birdy! I have read every blog entry from babycenter twice and I finally got the book on Tuesday, and I finished it on Thursday night. It was very familliar, since I read all the other entries, but there were some great extras. If anyone hasn't gotten it yet, you NEED to! What a wonderful read. I feel as if Catherine is my friend and like I know her kids. It's a very friendly feeling. And, the other day, at Wondertime, I was on the home page and the scroll was going and just as the picture was changing, I could have sworn I saw Michael. So, I waited for it to come around again and it was! It a the whole family and Catherine had written a little piece about were she vacations. And a while back I saw this piece "The Anatomy of A Tantrum". And I thought to myself, that little girl looks a lot like Birdy. What do you know,it was! All this is to say that I love Catherine's writing and the fact hat she shares her life with us. I am sincerely grateful and look forward to you entries every week! Keep up the great work. You inspire me to be the best me to my beautiful girls. Thank you.

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  48. Hi Catherine. Very funny, your warts story. Let me share our family remedy we just so recently discovered: soak a cotton ball in apple cider vinegar, put on wart, then cover with a band-aid. Leave overnight. Repeat every night for a week.
    The mosaic wart I had on my thumb for over 5 years? It turned black and fell off.
    I'm currently working on the husband's flat warts. I use apple cider vinegar on him like you use a skin toner. Some of his warts are drying up and browning over.
    Love your site. Good luck!

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  49. I have to say that I've posted 2 comments in a row at Wondertime and both have gone through without errors!

    But mostly have to say that I love your writing, Catherine. The bare honesty, and the fact that you can talk about pubic hair, gum pockets, and Birdy's share basket in the same article, and we can laugh hysterically and relate to all of it! You say it so well, and we do love you just the way you are...

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  50. Eddy en Claudy5:45 AM

    Hallo
    Nog een paar dage en de Lente begint wij wensen iedereen( hopelijk) veel Zon.

    Nieuws “Mega Concert van Kate Ryan “ meer info op

    http://www.claudiahill.org
    http://www.allesgeven.be
    http://lauro.telenetblog.be
    http://www.kate-ryan.info

    Groetjes en Kus Eddy Claudy and the Kids

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  51. I heard that bread is actually bad for birds and ducks. Peanuts are best. This from a forest ranger.

    I'm so psyched about the wart remedies. I'm sure I'll get some soon. I thought I had actual foot fungus but it turned out it was just pseudomonas or whatever. Went away. But I felt like such a failure, hygenically.

    I loved your Wondertime entry and commented over there already. I always obsess over what the teacher must think about me when I notice my son's got long, dirty fingernails or when he's overdue for a haircut for weeks or when he writes in his journal "This weekend I watched TV" and "This weekend I played Pokemon" instead of detailing the places we went and the nutritious meals I cooked. Oy vey!

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  52. Oh there's this great book I must recommend to you all: "Brown Spots on the Wall" by Whoo Flung Poo.

    Had this fun conversation (initiated by me, sad to say) with my husband and kid about flinging poo at people at the mall, including speculations on the ideal turd consistency for the job.

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  53. Lauren2:45 PM

    I thought this was to funny and had to share:

    I read another's comment about finding this blog by Googling "Catherine Newman" and decided to try it myself to see what came up. I found this when I did on the right side of the screen:

    Catherine Newman - Amazon
    Low prices on catherine newman.
    Qualified orders over $25 ship free
    Amazon.com

    That cracks me up! I guess Amazon and sometimes ebay just plug in whatever you search into their ad. Makes me wonder if they'd say "Low prices on foot warts..." if that is what you searched for!

    If I had know shipping was so cheap I would have ordered you off of Amazon long ago!haha

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  54. There is something amazing and fun happening here and I urge you all to check it out, maybe even join in! This had me rolling!

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  55. So I really am curious about the blogger that you are jealous of...I can't imagine anyone better than yourself.

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  56. I loved your last colum. I want everyone to like me too, I'm not sure why since I don't always like them.

    I also think its funny that you are jealous of another blogger when everyone I talk to mentions YOUR column. It was the topic of conversation at our toddler bounce class, does that make you feel less jealous?

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  57. Anonymous9:22 PM

    I know this sounds really weird but MY three year old HAD a really bad wart problem, she was covered in them (she has really bad eczema that basically caused them to spread everywhere) and we tried everything under the sun to get rid of them for the past 2 1/2 years... 3 weeks ago someone told me to rub a raw potato on her warts... and now EVERY SINGLE wart is GONE! I can't believe after wasting hundreds of dollars in prescription and over the counter products they went away in two weeks time with a $3 bag of Idaho potatoes. Hope this helps!!

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  58. I'm laughing so hard - I have tears. I know this is old and my comment is a couple years after this happened, but poop is hilarious. Period.

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